The notion of depression as something other than an existential phase has, obviously enough, come into its own over the last few decades, and that’s all to the good. But one dangerous side-effect for me is wondering if I actually have it at some profound level so native I can’t tell. I don’t, though. I have the existential kind, once in a while, or … well, something similar to that, though I’m not sure what it is.
These days, I find it difficult to move on to the next thing. Or, rather, easier to not move on, so to speak. For instance, once I get up, feed the dog, and make coffee, I’m much more likely these days to sit on the couch sipping just-made coffee listening to endless movie-review podcasts (which are mostly personality driven friends-and-pals-comedies) and keep on doing that, rather than getting to work, or starting a hobby, or sweeping the floor, or any of a number of things I might otherwise do. Like I wrote, it’s easy to not move on to the next thing.
Have you ever binge watched videos or TV series and gotten to the point where you’re so exhausted you think to yourself, “What the hell am I doing?” and then click “Next Episode”? That’s the feeling I have.
Is it depression, though? Maybe I’m just eating too much rice these days, due to minimizing shopping runs in the age of the pandemic — too many carbs — or maybe I’m not getting enough sleep, or maybe the sameness of each day wears me down in ways I’m not attuned to notice.
Still, things have to get done, so I make lists and eventually get them done, but there’s just no energy in it. I’ve always been a person reluctant to start working on something, a task or project or work, but once I do, find a lot of energy in the doing.
These days, not so much.
Maybe it’s the lack of the one or two social encounters I used to have each week? The pandemic has shut those down. But, I don’t know. I can’t figure it out. I’m not that interested in figuring it out.
I need to take a shower, walk the dog — it’s raining — then think about how to replace the battery in my car given that the car won’t move until I do. Chicken and egg. I’ll get to it. Eventually.
